Antonio

to be your fellow you may deny me

but I'll be your servant whether you will or no

possibilities

plucked from my dreams

i still don't believe you're real

...

loving you the only way I know how

from afar

biggest problem with life

in love with an idea, never reality.

mmmmmmmmmmm

oh me oh my, oh me oh my,
how this messes my mind.
try to remember all will work out in time,
but lord how it kills me now!

now,
NOW!

YOU ARE KILLING ME NOW!!!

my lamb

soon to be four, it's hard to believe.
promised myself in five that I'd call

should I even?

I do miss you, you know.
there are some nights that you are the only one I want to talk to, no one else is quiet right for the situation.

would it be worth it?

just because I think of you often doesn't mean you do.

oh, my lamb. my lamb. mylamb. my-lamb.

grant me sleep

insomnia

staying "productive" at 4am.

why?

because i have no ground to stand on.

i drift, there is no destination in sight.

i love, there is no one to reciprocate.

aimless with no air in sails.

atrophy claims my body, why not the heart?

please claim my heart.

i implore you.

taking a toll

make my heart sick

tight, tight, tight
the heat
so tight

conscientiously have to check breath
now out
now in
exhale

minuet tremors
keep steady voice
hands, mind the hands

that's not hunger
nor sickness
it's both
it's the craving for you

maybe it's

my lips

picture prefect

very neglected

red and waiting

Earth to the Moon

Endymion,

it is I who am earth bound and you of the stars.

"There is not one,

No, no, not one

But thee to comfort a poor lonely maid"

reblogging this because it's TOO appropriate

From the blog of Chris Brogan:

"If I don’t always tell you... know that you’re still in my head. I remember that laugh we had. I remember that great idea you shared with me... how far you’ve come, and... those times when we both lamented. I’m grateful for you. And I don’t get enough opportunity to tell you...[but] it’s [still] true.

Yes, friends.

my vice

white boys
I. LOVE. THEM.
in all different styles and flavors

tall and lithe, preferably
average and artistically talented will do too

either which way
the one I want/love wants nothing to do with me
haven't seen my former future husband in years (he's 1,000+ miles away)
and what I've got, well...it's to pass the time

*sigh*

Hopeless

Green Eyes
anyone who tries to deny you must be out of their minds

i _ _ _ _ you cause you're beautiful
mainly cause i'm jealous

and because you're drifting while i'm looking for stability
i want you to be something you are not

grow up already
i've been beating this dead horse too long

upon looking into your green eyes

Scarlett, be kind to Captain Butler. He loves you so.

would you please

to share secrets
the little big things of my heart

who?

curled up on my side
with wet cheeks

you?

breath calmed
with each stroke of hair

love?



This is what I wait for.

poor circulation

want arms that can hold me
all of me

cold is setting in
I am too thin skinned to stay warm alone

body heat
hair
contact

I ask this of you

little bird

i know i said it

and i meant it when i said it--i still do

it's just hard to watch.

***

spread those wings
take flight
please do it out of sight

***

upon hearing a love song sung by a male

mmmmmmm

can that be me?
would very much like that to be me.
to be the one of whom you speak,
it's all I've ever wanted:
to be viewed as in such a light,
to have such words composed for me,
about me,
to me,
by you.

even when I didn't know you
I wanted this from you.

you, you, you
me, me, me
I, I, I
we, we,we

(much prefer the latter)

mmmmmmm

enough of this insomniac dreaming


# swear # am capable of other thoughts. At night * mind wonders to it's greatest desire--strike that bull shit. # am tired and don't sleep because when # sleep @ are constantly in * dreams and # hate that because @ can not, will not, are not willing to be that for % so why do # torture * with these subconscious visions. so # avoid sleep till the point of passing out so there is no time to think of @. which still back fires in a way because # here typing all this emotional dumping b.s. at 3something am. it's better here though so as not to annoy friends with * broken record of, yup you guessed it. there. fine. done. enough. stop. no really. stop this time.

the name of the game

who are you
where are you
why do I even care

do you exist

don't think so

still too young to give up
so pretend that maybe some day

let's face it
probably won't ever happen

i have me, that is the only assurance
i would like more but there is never a guarantee
like to think i will partake in what i see others enjoying
my track record proves other wise

how i look forward to the day i stop caring
no longer feel inferior for being unable to participate
enduring this drought at the time when coupling should take palace
praying for apathy to set in soon
all i can do

if you want it, go get it
i tired
several times
the answer was no

it's different when i do it
i'm a woman
i was born holding the short end of the stick

one foot before the other
then the next
and the next
still there is hope

turns out it's not so easy to kill after all

xx

what a lovely curse, to be a woman
soft and sweet, unable to stand on own two feet
tough and resourceful, alone and resentful.

beauty attracts all the wrong characters
plain fights for attention
both powerless, ultimately it's his decision.

heart feels too much
too many memories
the tiniest details recorded, making it hard to forget:

a love
a betrayal
a hope

my loves

I love:

cheepy
mommy
friends

chocolate
shiny things
silky things

gone with the wind
my dolls
heeled boots

period fashion
great hair
age appropriate makeup

moonlight
deserted streets
dallas sky line

you

Can You Blame a Girl?

It's true! It's TRUE!

gosh darn it, it's true.

The way I feel--ack!

*mmmmmm*

'can I sleep in your arms tonight lady?'

i mean sir?

?

*sigh*

hope springs from the tiniest seed

big eyes
ones which see too much
whose color constantly changes: gray, green, blue
dark, long fringe of lashes

wide shoulders
expansive chest, solid arms
neck lengthy and strong

articulate fingers
sizable palm, callused
complete with a few scars

sound back
able to support, protect
bear my weight

a heart
pulse so strong visible in
neck, crook of elbow, side of stomach, inner thigh
rhythmic
compassionate
soulful


***

only bits and parts are visible, still there is no face. mere glimpses--incomplete picture.
reason: still have yet to meet
till then







till then

The Sound of One's Own Wheels Will Make You Crazy

A filler, a fake, a fool:

skin so tight often makes me feel small
thoughts so large can't see the full scope
heart so true the wounds are constantly fresh.


'That'd be me!' says I


take it easy

Transitional Twenties

Here we be, young and awkward things.
Unsure of our bodies, unsure of ourselves,
trial and error--fail again, fail better.
Tripping and stumbling yet playing it off as a triumphant walk.

Second guessing, never knowing, always uncomfortable.
Itching in our own skin desperate for a cure
only brief moments of repose before the flair-ups start anew
and the price of youth marches on.

I am a damned fool

for once a sweet dream

For the most part I don't dream, and usually when I do its disturbing.

Last night for the first time in months I woke up from a dream, and to even more of a surprise it was a very happy dream. Here it goes:

lights up on me looking into a wall mounted mirror. i'm in a wedding dress and my hair is dreaded like angie's in 'gone in 60 seconds.' my mother is standing behind me helping me arrange my dreads and get the veil on. we are in the bride prep room of some church, just us two and i am unhappy.

none of my bridesmaids are present nor are any of my friends present in the congregation. i hate my dress and my hair is so not me. my mother is gently trying to point out what i'll be sacrificing in the name of security by marrying this man.

i'm aware of all the people filling the church, there is quiet the hum of jovial voices. all are sitting in the grooms side, not a single soul for the brides. this bothers me to no end so i'm complaining aloud to my mother about my lack of attendants. she then hands me my phone to show me the long list of texts i've recieved.

'sam, so sorry but we are just not able to make it--'

'what up pretty lady, hate to bail on your big day but--'

then one from him, a poem at that

'A kiss! A kiss! Always friends but sometimes a kiss!
Alas, for me no more, but--oh well!
Congratulations!'

that was it. that was all i needed. his simple text was the proof i required. i need to marry for love, so i call him

me: hello? hey!
boy: hhhhey.
m: i can't do this, i can't. i can't marry him. i can't. i won't.
b: ha...so...whada gonna do?
m: i want you. that is all.

b: but i can't offer what he can.
m: that's fine by me.
b: i don't have much.
m: i don't care.
b: huh, well, mmm. okay. what, uhm...what do you want me to do? *clears throat*
m: can you come here please? can you meet me?
b: now?
m: yes, now. i only want you.
b: well, that's--that's fine. ill be there--i'll be there.

i hang up, mom is all smiles and I exit the room. i walk for some time in an undefinable space so happy and hopeful then pause and wait for him to arrive; he does. sweaty and a little pink from exertion he hops off his bicycle, smiling at me. his face shows about 3 days of growth, his hair sans product and wearing a red with black stripes polo shirt and his loathsome work pants rolled up over the knees and work shoes. he is beautiful all the same.

m: hi.
b: heeeyy.
m: you came.
b: yup! sure did.
m: thank you.
b: no sweat.
m: come here, i want you.
b: but i'm all sweaty--
m: i don't care.
b: and i'm--
m: look i really don't care! you're here with me and that is all that matters. i want you just the way you are. so come here and hold me.
b: okay, you pass.

he walks towards me

m: i pass?
b: yeah you pass the test. i know how much you hate my work clothes and sweaty things, but you didn't throw a stink over, well my stink, so okay, you pass. it can be you and me.
m: REALLY?!?! it can, just you and me?
b: yeah, sure why not? *smiling*huh, huh, hey, you know? come here.

he takes me to him and we hug and hold each other. i'm over the moon. we stay in an embrace gazing into the light of each others eyes. all at once my friends appear, smiling and claping with words of congratulations.

'see samantha, this is right! we can support this. you two, you two fit. for your own good we had to boycott the marriage, but this is right. etc'

And from that I awoke at 8:07 am with a smile on my face.

Uninterupted Dreaming

how fitting that on the 1 year anniversary since we first kissed, while cleaning my room, I came across a post-it bearing these words:

Goodnight my love, goodnight
Beneath the starlight gleaming.
I wish you many nights of sweet
uninterrupted dreaming.

So kiss me love, goodnight
for though I may be leaving,
of you and I--may you and I--
forever more be dreaming

I wrote this during the height of my relationship with Christopher. I held a candle for him since I was 15, some 7 years later he told me he loved me. Then the truth came out and I learned just how well he played me. I loved him with a pure heart which he abused. Roughly a year since he reentered my life I'm nursing the wounds he left instead of sharing the love expressed above. I'll choose to remember him like this and not the coward he really is.

Goodbye my love, goodbye
may a guilty conscious keep you from pleasant dreaming

my words repel
yours attract


all i want to say is--


huh, looky there. i can't say it.
its cause i know you don't feel the same so i'm not going to put myself through it again.

I JUST FINISHED AND NOW I WANT TO DO IT AGAIN?!?!

that's me yelling at myself, not you.
frustration, name of the game.
at/with myself
and you, you fickle little bitch.
to hell with the saying, young male is just as if not more

but that's how i know. if this was how i wanted, you'd be in it whole heart. but you are not. there is my answer. the reason why i can not allow myself to say,

well you know

words escape me, actions fail me, dreams leave me wanting more

Beauty be with you,
Truth guide you,
Be faithful to your heart.

To the Boy headed for the land of the butterflies

the tears begin,
i anticipate your departure.
yes, there are still a few months
but
knowing you have no reason to return
except
maybe for me
makes this knowledge all the much harder to take.

i am happy for you
i am.
you are too big for this town
too big to not make the move.
you are going to be--

so, i will take this consolation prize,
knowing you, before when.

privy to the boy
who will become the man

go and be merry
go and share with all the beauty that is you
go with all my blessings

go with all my heart and never look back.

Found a home for my midnight musings

words are only words till someone else gives them meaning-12:43 pm 5/3/10


inspired while listening to the song 'babe' by styx. preceded by 'heat of the moment' by asia

Beauty, I see your face and hear your song;
I sing your tune as I wait for your touch.
To cage you would be wrong, so here I linger
till of your own free will You come.

4/23/10

inspired by the boy who I never thought could be real